In my initial family assistance training way back when, the instructors were quite blunt that ‘providing assistance’ does not involve giving advice based on your personal values and beliefs which may differ, sometimes greatly, from the person you are there to help.
Apparently not everyone learns that lesson. One of my friends in need was sharing that they were being told by another friend to go to a specific church and actively engage a certain emotion to find their path back to happiness.
Say what?
Our role is to be supportive and to let the person find their own preferred path at their own pace. What we believe might work for us if we were in the same situation is not what we should force on them.
Especially when people are working through trauma, they need to find their own footing. Yes, we can be a shoulder to cry on or a familiar rock to lean against. But we should not be telling people what to do.
Certainly you can offer guidance when you may be more familiar with something than the person you are helping … e.g. “You probably want to consult an attorney before making that decision as they likely know what the pitfalls are.” But you should steer clear of direct intervention … e.g. “If it were me, I would clean out the closet and get on with my life.”
Often I have found that simply asking questions can help people chart a course forward. What small step can you take right now to make yourself feel more comfortable? Is there something you would like to achieve today? How would you like to address this concern?
Most times people just need to be given a chance to talk things through with themselves in the presence of someone who cares.
It is important for us to always remember that they are not us. When it is your life, then you do you. When it is their life, let them do them.
It is a good reminder for all of us.